Behind the Mask - ADHD & Me

If you have read my previous blog on this journey then thank you for coming back and if you are joining me for the first time you are very welcome. 

Just over a week ago, I was officially diagnosed with ADHD. For some of those who know me, there is no surprise and yet others close to me are frankly flabbergasted. And this is perfectly ok because to be honest I am going through the whole gamut of emotions. 

The purpose of these blogs is multi-faceted. It absolutely helps me to put my thoughts down on “paper”, but as I educate myself, and work through understanding the world with a different lens, I hope that sharing will also help others who are struggling, and also help in some small way to a better understanding of the challenges that neurodivergence brings.

What I want to make clear from the start is that although I understand now, that the feeling of being on the outside of things growing up and the lack of focus and alternative hyperfocus, is all part of my neurodivergence and the fact that my brain works differently, I am also just starting to unravel what this actually means, both for myself and for the people around me.

In a Teams meeting this week, I explained that I would be using a note taker, to ensure I got all of the pertinent information and was not distracted by taking notes and explained I have ADHD ( I’m still getting used to saying it out loud ). The lovely lady I was meeting said “please let me know if I get anything wrong.” This was kind and I was grateful, I also explained I’m not really sure what is right and wrong myself at this stage.

 It's been almost 2 years since it was first suggested to me that I may have ADHD. In those 2 years, I have been through a whole spectrum of emotions. Initially, I was a little obsessed with Insta accounts that seemed incredibly relatable, and the more relatable they became, the more I delved into actually researching and understanding what ADHD was. 

Deciding to seek a diagnosis came after a really challenging time for me. During a very emotional and difficult family situation, I found myself really struggling to focus on anything else and was almost unable to control my emotions. I felt like I was losing control and this was not the first time in my life I had felt this way but it was the first time that I felt I might understand why. 

Living as I do in England, I was incredibly fortunate to discover the Right to Choose option for referral and to find myself on a pilot programme that meant my time from referral to diagnosis was not years but in fact weeks. I can not begin to imagine the suffering that waiting so long after deciding to seek clarity and support must cause, although I know a number of people in just that position. I count myself incredibly lucky. This is another reason I feel compelled to talk about the experience and advocate for others.

This week I wanted to share with you the initial impact of the diagnosis. 

My first reaction was one of relief. I cried, ( of course I did! ). I celebrated with a trip to Ullswater with my paddle board and spent an hour or so just focusing on paddling, on the beauty of my surroundings, I do live in such a beautiful place. 

And then the frustration kicked in. Now don't get me wrong, this has been a long time coming and I have already experienced most of these feelings, but this certainty makes it different. I have reflected on the number of times in my life when I have found myself on the receiving end of bullying and not understood why I was different. I have also found myself mistreated in work situations, and can think of at least 2 occasions where the treatment I have received if viewed with this perspective would constitute discrimination. 

Although this is not something I expect to come to terms with overnight, I have always had a philosophy of no regrets. In this case, I feel deeply that I am now in the right place. Ten years ago I met my wonderful husband Martin, and the road my life has taken led me to him and more recently to my role working with my dear friend, Scott, which in turn means I get to see much more of his even more incredible wife and my best friend from University, Karen. 

As well as the sense of relief and frustration I also feel a renewed sense of purpose. The challenge for me now is about discovering what lies behind the mask. For my whole life I have tried to fit in. I now know why that was not always possible, and I do feel like celebrating my neurodivergence to its full. But first I need to understand how I have been masking, and to work out if those masking techniques and coping strategies have been having a positive or negative impact on me, and maybe some of those around me. I have started to un-pick these things for some time now, but the validation of a diagnosis is in this sense liberating. 

Understanding why I have been masking in certain situations, allows me to decide if I still need or want to use these strategies and also to understand that there may be better ways. 

Understanding why focus is difficult, has allowed me to adopt new ways of approaching tasks. It is still really challenging and in fact somewhat more challenging as I am also now analysing my behaviour which can in itself be distracting, but I am making progress.  I am finding it so much easier to articulate the challenges I face. 

I am incredibly grateful for the support of our great community at Vanilla Ink and to all my friends and family.

My hope is that by sharing this experience, it will give others facing these challenges, a sense of not feeling so alone and adrift.

Titration comes next, another new word in my vocabulary. Today my prescription was delivered and I am both nervous and excited to see if this makes a difference. Oh and look, there is another topic for a blog!

I’ll be back soon to share how titration is going. In the meantime, be kind and happy.

Big Love

Ellie