Some of you will know me well and some of you will have seen me flying around Vanilla Ink, and if we’ve not met, Hi I am Ellie. My title is CEO, but I am just part of the fantastic team of incredible individuals that make the magic happen at Vanilla Ink.

A picture of me looking windswept on a beautiful blue sky day somewhere on the coast of Scotland

Throughout my career, I have always been drawn to people-centric work and am passionate about fostering an environment where growth and development take centre stage, all while being underscored with kindness. I truly believe that when we support one another with compassion, we can create transformative experiences that help everyone flourish.

About 18 months ago, Scott, you all know Scott! who I have worked with for 3 years and who I've known for around 15 years as a close friend, suggested that I might display traits indicative of ADHD. His unique perspective comes from his own diagnosis of autism, and family experiences of neurodivergent assessments. My first reaction was total denial and I initially dismissed it as ridiculous. However, curiosity got the better of me. Well lets be honest my brain started to obsess about it and I headed down the black hole of researching and trying to understand what ADHD was and why, my friend thought it might be something that impacted me.

Well the black hole was a long and deep one and sometimes quite dark. I began to feel an overwhelming wave of turmoil and frustration. Reflecting on past experiences, relationships, and job roles, only to see them through this new lens of potential neurodivergence was eye-opening. In some cases it was painful to reevaluate so many moments in my life that had once felt confusing, disheartening, and sometimes isolating. This introspection led me on a journey of self-discovery, and I found myself, for the first time at 52, beginning to grasp a clearer understanding of my experiences and behaviours and relationships. It became clear to me that this was something that I recognised in myself, It was like a mist lifting.

I finally approached my GP to ask for a referral. The pre-assessment process was incredibly challenging. Completing the questionnaires required a deep dive into my past, culminating in a soul-searching experience that unearthed some long-buried traumas and pivotal moments from my life. I found myself struggling with memories and emotions that brought with them both discomfort and clarity. It was challenging and, at times, traumatic, not just for me but for my family too. It brought up a lot of emotions that I hadn’t fully processed, and I realised how deeply these experiences shaped who I am today.

Yet, this process ultimately reaffirmed my conviction that receiving a diagnosis was incredibly important for me. It wasn’t about putting a label on my experiences; it was about understanding myself better and seeking the tools to thrive.

I am incredibly lucky to have been included in a pilot scheme, which meant that I received my assessment appointment incredibly quickly after my referral. I will talk about the assessment another time, but suffice to say that although I am now awaiting my diagnosis, I was left in no doubt that it would be positive.

I want to share my journey because I recognise there are countless undiagnosed women out there, and I believe that it is imperative to our ability to thrive in this world and to the growth of understanding that we have access to assessment, diagnosis and support. Going through this process has been incredibly challenging, yet it has already had a positive impact on my life. For the first time, I feel like I’m beginning to more clearly understand and articulate my feelings and reactions to different situations—I feel a sort of user manual is emerging that is really working for me.

A picture of my great pal and business partner Scott & I, in a woodland near Banff in Aberdeenshire

I still have so much to learn about ADHD and about my self, but I now have a solid starting point, and that feels like an incredible gift. Now, as I await the official diagnosis, I am doing a lot of reflection, but an excited about the future. The waiting is daunting, but I am continuing to explore what this all means for me personally and professionally. I have gained a wealth of insights from this journey so far that I am eager to share in order to support others. It’s important to remember that this journey is not solely about receiving a diagnosis. It’s about embracing who I am, understanding my unique wiring, and shifting the long-held narratives that can limit our potential.

Imagine having a heart condition. You will want to understand how to manage that condition to strengthen your heart, to protect it and to ensure you look after it in the best possible way to ensure the best quality of life. You need a diagnosis to begin to do what is right for your heart.

This is about receiving a diagnosis to understand how I can get the best out of my brain, how I can best look after it and manage the challenges that living in a world that is very early on in its learning about neurodiversity effects me and how I can mitigate those challenges. This also is not just about me, I want to explore how I can advocate for and support others who find themselves faced with a potential diagnosis of ADHD.

Finally I want to add that, although I hope my speaking out will help and resonate with others, my experience is unique to me. I know that everyone’s experience is different. As human beings we are all individuals, receiving a diagnosis of the same condition does give us common ground, but we all experience life differently.

Please feel free to comment, share your own experiences or ask questions in the comment section. If you want to follow my journey, I will be popping up here from time to time to share. Thanks for reading.

In the mean time be kind and be happy, be you. See you soon.

Ellie

No I don't need a label, I need a diagnosis! ADHD and me.